Dinos vs. Gutenberg
Dinosaurs and Exercise Equipment
Alli Allosaurus Wants to Decrease Her Carbon Footprint
If Bob Dylan were a Dinosaur
With your scale-toed shoes and your skeleton blues
With your terrible twos, and something to prove
With your deep-set screws, you ain’t got nothing to lose
But honey, I see you, and you have yet to move
The museum man with coins in his hand has got your ticket
Bones on display, sawdust teeth to say, hell, I didn’t pick it
Well, your tears have dried and your bones have lied
And I see you only on the inside
Schoolgirls laugh next to tourists of the past
My first last and the shadows you have cast
Don’t look back, it’s never gonna last
Yes it’s fast, but we’re here only to look after you
Engines roar next to missionary whores
Past-due doors and pottery unsure
It’s a bore, they’re all out on the tour
Yes it’s poor, but we’re here only to look before you
Well, your tears have dried and your bones have lied
And I see you only on the inside
The whistle blows on the ribbons and the bows
And the spectacles that open and close
The museum man, he comes in and he leans on your plaque again
Honey, I’m leaving now, but, honey, I’ll be back again.
Your tears have dried and your bones have lied
Your dust reminds and you cannot hide
And I see you only on the inside
Popularity: 4% [?]
I Did Something Horrible…
I didn’t really mean to play Turok .
And I only killed the dinosaurs in self-defense.
They were coming at me from every direction.
I feel really bad about it, I swear.
Popularity: 4% [?]
Area Diplodocus Does Not See Himself In John McCain
This will be Diplo Diplodocus’s first election. As we talk outside his swampy home, the energetic young sauropod wags his tail with excitement, thinking about his entrance into the world of American democracy.
“I registered to vote the second I turned eighteen,” Diplo says, displaying the kind of political consciousness that is present in so many youngsters today. Like most of his friends, Diplo registered with the Democratic Party. “I practically don’t know anyone who registered as a Republican. It would be like announcing ‘hey, I’m a social outcast.’ Or, I guess, the ultimate act of irony.”
Because of the overwhelmingly left-leaning attitudes of his young Jurassic friends, Diplo doesn’t think it’s fair that Republican candidate John McCain is constantly referred to as a dinosaur. “It’s just because he’s old. There’s a lot more to dinosaurs than just our age, and it’s unfortunate how the word has been misappropriated. I really don’t think an Apple II microcomputer has anything more in common with a dinosaur than it does with, say, a woolly mammoth or even a mule.”
This stereotyping is part of the reason Diplo thinks it’s important for young dinos to get out and vote. When ask which way he planned to cast his ballot, Diplo responded “I see a lot of myself in Barack Obama. He’s strong and commanding. And he has that really small head. I think its time we start calling him a dinosaur.”
Popularity: 4% [?]
If Juno were a Dinosaur…
JUNO MCGUFF dials the phone, which is shaped like a slab of raw meat. Her friend LEAH answers.
Leah: Bone-jiggity-jour, home-gillet.
Juno: I’m a total extinction risk.
Leah: Juno?
Juno: No, it’s Grimlock. You got any optimuses that need priming?
Leah: Only the one beneath my scaly abdomen…
Juno: I’m pregnant.
Leah: What? Honest to bog?
Juno: Yeah. My egg’s been laid like James. Dye my eyes and call me pity.
Leah: Maybe it’s a fake egg. One of those low-cholesterol substitutes.
Juno: I’ve taken like three blood tests. This ain’t no Egg Beater.
Leah: Shit. Fuck. Oh my Godwana, Pangea.
Juno: Yeah. It’s Bleeker’s.
Leah: Well, what are you gonna with the little Egg McGuffin? I say you scramble that huevo before you turn hard boiled.
Juno: Consider it poached. This is one baby I don’t want to bop.
Popularity: 5% [?]
Kindasaurs at the L.A. Zoo
A metal triceratops in her natural environment:
This gentleman projected a deadly and Jurassic air from a position of recline:
Popularity: 4% [?]
NASA’s Astronomy Picture of the Day
…According to NASA Scientist Chris McKay (Ph.D, Roots and Wings Montessori School), who seems to think there might be dino remnants on the moon.
Popularity: 4% [?]
Valentine’s Day Dino Emoticons
Because dinosaurs have feelings, too.*
1. Hey raptor, let’s make out: f*><*l
2. I’ll hold your hand, friend pterodactyl: /\P/\_/\P/\
3. Oh no, a T-Rex ate my girl!: < :-O >
*Pure speculation
Popularity: 4% [?]
The Tiniest Pterodactyl
Bite-sized pterodactyl ancestor, could you be more adorable?
You got lucky, little bugger. 120 million years and an asteroid (or climate change, a volcano, or the wrath of God) saved you from this cruel fate:
Popularity: 4% [?]
My Favorite Weekend: Turok
Between hunting dinosaurs in the Lost Land and struggling to apprehend rogue agent Roland Kane, video game legend Turok has been working hard. But he’s had a little time off since the release of his new Xbox game last week. The L.A. Times caught up with him to find out all about his favorite weekend.
Just a Cigar
Friday is all about relaxing for me. I spend my whole week fighting dinosaurs in the Lost Land, and I like to take it easy as soon as I get back to L.A. There’s a cigar shop at Melrose and N. Harper with where you can spend a few hours smoking a Macanudo and just hanging out. They have a guy who comes by and offers to shine your shoes. It usually costs three dollars, but he charges an extra two to clean off dino blood.
“Dog” Day Afternoon
Saturday I like to hit the dog park. I rescued Xi-Lo-Bao-Xiu, my miniature Raptor, from the wreckage of a T-Rex attack a year ago. Even though he’s really well behaved, Xi still isn’t technically allowed into the dog park. So beforehand I usually head over to D.O.G Pet Boutique on Fairfax and pick up some doggy couture so he’ll blend in better.
After I drop Xi off, I like to head over to Real Food Daily for dinner. The thing that most people don’t know about me is that I’m vegan, and Real Food’s tofu wrap is one of the best I’ve ever had. After dinner I like to hit the clubs and really clear my head. I’ll start the night off at LAX or Area. I used to like Les Deux a lot, but now I won’t go within a hundred feet of the place; too many dinosaurs!
Swap Meat
Sunday I like to reconnect with my American Indian roots, so I head over to the swap meet in La Canada. They have a huge array of weavings and jewelery which I can browse while munching on some vegan piki bread. Then I head over to Buffalo Exchange on La Brea - where I pick up a used sweater vest and a pair of aviator glasses. After that its back to my beautiful home overlooking the La Brea tarpits (just in case), where I order a massage and get ready for the tough week to come.
Popularity: 5% [?]
If Robert Mapplethorpe were a Dinosaur…
If Dinos and Humans Coexisted, it isn’t Because of These Guys
So check it: this thing exists. Creation Evidence dot org is an exceptionally thorough site — sponsored by some Creationist folks — that is dedicated to proving that humans and dinosaurs roamed the earth at the same time. The conceit of the site is based on the discovery, in a place called Glen Rose, Texas, of a dinosaur footprint that sits directly alongside a person foorprint. These footprints are supposed to prove that humans and dinos coexisted in prehistoric times… but also that the earth is only 6,000 years old.
The site is the brainchild of Dr. Carl E. Baugh, PhD. This fellow, who sounds more like a square dance move (do-si-do, carl-e-baugh) than a doctor, wrote his entire dissertation on the Glen Rose fossil. And then he received a doctoral degree from an accredited university. Because he wrote about dinosaurs. Coexisting with people.
In addition to the complete text of Dr. Baugh’s thesis, the site also has a section labeled Frequently Asked Questions. This is a list of… well, frequently asked questions. No, not inquiries about the website or Dr. Baugh, but actual, day-to-day FAQs. Such as: What is the length of a solar day? What are the effects of increased atmospheric pressure on the brain? Can we believe the Bible? What happened to Baby Erie?
Predictably, none of the answers make any fucking sense, but they do use impressive words like antediluvian and demonically-deceptive.
Perhaps the highlight of the site is the kid’s section, which