A new Dino species, the Eotriceratops xerinsularis was recently discovered in Canada. The Associated Press dispatched Michael Moore to conduct an interview with the creature.
“Michael Moore, dressed in a black baseball cap and an un-tucked flannel shirt, stands in a field of trees and small rock dwellings. He faces the camera.
MM: It was the morning of February 12th, 68,000,000 B.C.E., and it was pretty much like any other morning in America. A T-Rex tore the head off of an herbivore whose name he couldn’t pronounce. And out in a little town in Pennsylvania, two young Triceratopses tore through the countryside, puncturing the hearts of all who stood in their way. In the wake of what people are calling the Tri-Lai Massacre, I have taken it upon myself to interview the Eotricerotops xeinsularis, the Canadian cousin of those wayward ‘Ceroptopses.
Michael gestures to a small, brown hut.
MM: That dwelling to my right is the home of the Eotriceratios xerinsularis. There’s a small rock in front of the door; lets see if we can just go right in.
Michael walks up to the hut and pushes the rock aside. It opens. The Eotriceratops family sits around the kitchen table. They are sturdy creatures, with two giant horns jutting from their heads.
MM: Sorry to barge right it, but your front door wasn’t locked.
EX: We never lock out front door! Partially because it’s so safe here in Canada, but mostly because we weren’t even discovered until a few days ago.
MM: That whole discovery thing is kind of why I’m here. Do you mind if I interview you?
EX: Not at all. We were just aboot to have dinner, would you care to join us?
Michael sits down at the table. A large bowl of grass and leaf stew is placed before him.
MM: I couldn’t help but notice that you all still have your horns attached. And none of them are covered up.
EX: Oh, here in Canada lots of Eotriceratopses still have their horns. And some even get an extra one put on. It isn’t really a big deal.
MM: Wow. Back in America horn-control is a really hot topic. Almost all Triceratopses have gotten their horns removed, and the ones that haven’t try to conceal them.
EX: How is that possible?
MM: Lots of funny hats. Doesn’t your country’s horn policy make living here dangerous?
EX: Nope, safe as can be. Our government only shows us nice images on the news: leaf knitting, Ichthyosaur synchronized swimming, inter-dino hockey…
The Eotriceratops leans back and smiles at her family.
EX: Would anyone like more stew?
The Eotriceratops kids shake their massive heads.
MM: I’ll take some.
Michael ladles soup into his bowl. He scarfs it down.
MM: Man, if I keep eating like this, I’ll explode.
EX: Oh, that happens all the time. No biggie.
MM: Really? You guys explode from eating too much? Isn’t that unhealthy?
EX: I guess. But our health care system is socialized, so we can easily get treatment.
MM: How progressive. What does all this entail?
EX: Every single dinosaur has access to the swamp, where he can wash his wounds freely.
MM: This is been a really informative interview. Now what do you say we go have a little chat with Charlton Heston?
1. Michael rides across the countryside on the Eotricerotops’s back.
2. Michael bangs on Charlton’s Door.
3. Michael and the Eotriceratops sneak around the back.
4. A gunshot rings out.
5. The Eotriceratops’s head is mounted on Charleton Heston’s wall.