So check it: this thing exists. Creation Evidence dot org is an exceptionally thorough site — sponsored by some Creationist folks — that is dedicated to proving that humans and dinosaurs roamed the earth at the same time. The conceit of the site is based on the discovery, in a place called Glen Rose, Texas, of a dinosaur footprint that sits directly alongside a person foorprint. These footprints are supposed to prove that humans and dinos coexisted in prehistoric times… but also that the earth is only 6,000 years old.
The site is the brainchild of Dr. Carl E. Baugh, PhD. This fellow, who sounds more like a square dance move (do-si-do, carl-e-baugh) than a doctor, wrote his entire dissertation on the Glen Rose fossil. And then he received a doctoral degree from an accredited university. Because he wrote about dinosaurs. Coexisting with people.
In addition to the complete text of Dr. Baugh’s thesis, the site also has a section labeled Frequently Asked Questions. This is a list of… well, frequently asked questions. No, not inquiries about the website or Dr. Baugh, but actual, day-to-day FAQs. Such as: What is the length of a solar day? What are the effects of increased atmospheric pressure on the brain? Can we believe the Bible? What happened to Baby Erie?
Predictably, none of the answers make any fucking sense, but they do use impressive words like antediluvian and demonically-deceptive.
Perhaps the highlight of the site is the kid’s section, which offers a series of lessons written out for youngsters in the most cringe-worthy of all glyphic manifestations: purple comic sans font. The lesson of particular interest to this blog is Number 12: “In the Days of Dinos”. It is not, by any stretch of the imagination, Number 17: “God’s Beaver.”
“In the Days of Dinos” begins with a question from little Mandi. Mandi loves dinosaurs, but she’s confused… some people say that dinos lived billions of years ago, but she learned in science class that the earth is only six thousand years old. Upon first reading this question, my heart was warmed to learn of Mandi’s interest in dinos. Clearly she’s failing science class, so it’s a good thing she has other interests.
Creation Evidence tackles Mandi’s question, explaining that dinos were formed by God on the sixth day of creation, and that two of each kind made their way onto Noah’s Ark. Because, as you’ll remember from your Bible, Adam and Eve were created on the sixth day as well, humans and dinos must have existed at the same time.
But was this cohabitation harmonious? Oh, no. According to the story, humans hunted dinosaurs. As Creation Evidence claims, “when you hear stories of knights killing dragons, the dragons that are described sound a lot like dinosaurs.” Er, no, they sound a lot like dragons.
Next, ever-sensible Mandi wants to know “why don’t we have dinosaurs around today?” The answer? “Before the flood, atmospheric pressure was greater and cells could carry more oxygen. Dinosaurs had very small lung capacities and after the flood, their cells couldn’t carry as much oxygen.” Hmm, suspicious, Creation Evidence. This sounds an awful lot like the response I got back when I asked why my sea monkeys had died. And everyone knows those are only brine shrimp. (Wait, you didn’t? No, those crowns aren’t for real. Okay, maybe the tiny tridents have some truth to them.)
The story also claimed to have evidence that certain types of dinosaurs could breath fire through their mouths. And also, that kids used to keep dinos for pets. Oh Creation Evidence, what have you done? Not only have you not managed to convince me of your outlandish religious tomfoolery, but I’m pretty sure I no longer believe in dinosaurs.