dinosaur fan fiction











dinosorta

If Charles Bukowski were a Dinosaur…

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Stegosaurus Woman
I‘m looking at the young theropods
learn to use their tails
for something more than
brushing away flies,
when she shows up at my cave
she clunks right in
my stegosaurus woman
and all her plates once armor
now sag.

the theropods whip their tails
against the grass
meat eaters
carnivore whores.

while my woman checks
her reflection in the pond
roof lizard
she can only eat leaves and branches so she can only
piss green
and her plates sag but she’s still
defensive by design which
is useful when I’m on the attack, she sighs and
two spiky rows heave, the pond is not kind to
my stegosaurus woman.
she dreams of a T-Rex
I am a T-Rex.

The Veloci-Raptor was the Will Smith of his Generation

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OR

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God Plays God With Humans, Humans Play God With Robots, Robots Play God With Dinosaurs…

And then these guys come along and screw everything up.

Bargain Bin Paleontologists Discover Monumental Dinosaur Mummy

Hadrosaur

One afternoon, sixteen-year-old Tyler Lyson decided to go looking for fossils in his Hell’s Creek, North Dakota backyard. He noticed a bone-like protrusion popping up from the ground, and pulled out not a funny looking rock or an old deer skeleton, but an ancient, mummified Hadrosaur—complete with skin and inner organs.

With this discovery, Tyler became a hero to all kids who hope and pray, irrational as it may be, to become an astronaut or a professional baseball player. Putting aside the fact that Tyler found one of the most important dinos of all time, what kid goes looking for fossils in his backyard and actually discovers something? Like, even a tailbone, or one of those ancient mosquitoes preserved in sap? I think most kids would call their fossil-hunting afternoon a success if they came home with an old Playboy, or a commemorative quarter.

After discovering the Hadrosaur, young Tyler alerted paleontologist Phil Manning, who teaches dino stuff at England’s University of Manchester. Upon seeing the mummified specimen, Philly uttered this eloquent statement: “Shiiit, that’s a really well preserved dinosaur. It has the potential to be a top-10 dinosaur, globally.” (Read more…)

Popular Herbivore T-Shirts Slogans from the Cretaceous Period

1. Herbivore: No blood on my claws
2. Eating Meat… So 118,000,000 B.C.E.
3. Meat = Extinction
4. Powered by Cladoxylopsid
5. Allisaurus Rib: It’s what’s rotting in your colon

Stego’s First Day at Improv Class, Part II

Alfalfa

Michael Moore Interviews the Eotriceratops xerinsularis

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A new Dino species, the Eotriceratops xerinsularis was recently discovered in Canada. The Associated Press dispatched Michael Moore to conduct an interview with the creature.

“Michael Moore, dressed in a black baseball cap and an un-tucked flannel shirt, stands in a field of trees and small rock dwellings. He faces the camera.

MM: It was the morning of February 12th, 68,000,000 B.C.E., and it was pretty much like any other morning in America. A T-Rex tore the head off of an herbivore whose name he couldn’t pronounce. And out in a little town in Pennsylvania, two young Triceratopses tore through the countryside, puncturing the hearts of all who stood in their way. In the wake of what people are calling the Tri-Lai Massacre, I have taken it upon myself to interview the Eotricerotops xeinsularis, the Canadian cousin of those wayward ‘Ceroptopses.

Michael gestures to a small, brown hut.

MM: That dwelling to my right is the home of the Eotriceratios xerinsularis. There’s a small rock in front of the door; lets see if we can just go right in.

Michael walks up to the hut and pushes the rock aside. It opens. The Eotriceratops family sits around the kitchen table. They are sturdy creatures, with two giant horns jutting from their heads.

MM: Sorry to barge right it, but your front door wasn’t locked.
EX: We never lock out front door! Partially because it’s so safe here in Canada, but mostly because we weren’t even discovered until a few days ago.
MM: That whole discovery thing is kind of why I’m here. Do you mind if I interview you?
EX: Not at all. We were just aboot to have dinner, would you care to join us? (Read more…)

Official Nigersaurus Taqueti Biography

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Paleontologist Paul Sereno recently discovered a new species of dinosaur in Western Africa, the Nigersaurus Taqueti. This sauropod has a vacuum-like mouth containing fifty rows of teeth. Sereno has spent the last several years studying these fossils, and has finally released a biography of the 119 million-year-old creature. It is reprinted below.

“Nigersaurus Taqueti was born in the Middle Cretaceous Period, the only child of Morry and Rebecca Rebbachisaurus. The Rebbachisaurus’ lived in the outskirts of the rough-and-tumble Tenere desert, the oldest Jewish slum in the Niger Republic. With the arrival of baby Gerry, Morry’s job as a rock pusher proved insufficient, and he was forced to take on a second job as a ground stomper. This, coupled with Rebecca’s burgeoning career as a cabaret roarer, meant that young Gerry was often left alone.

Gerry’s delicate nature was evident from an early age; he would cry whenever he was held too tightly, a condition that was later attributed to the fact that Gerry’s spine was filled with more air that bone. As Gerry matured, his delicate, paper-thin skull and small stature made him a target for the other young dinosaurs. Nicknames like “Vacuum-Mouth,” “Shovel-Head,” and the more creative “Limp-Dick-Plodicus” turned Gerry into a reclusive child—behavior that was solidified when the youngster developed an allergy to the gubericus root, a sort of prehistoric peanut. Already adherent to an herbivorous diet due in equal part to his biological makeup and Kosher dietary restrictions, Gerry’s new allergy forced him to eat exotic foods that the other kids dubbed “smelly” and “weird.” Nobody would sit next to him at lunch. (Read more…)

Barney and Friends Lost Episode

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Featuring the addition of a brand new character, Ronnie the Connoissaur!

FADE IN:

BARNEY stands in a large playroom, along with BABY BOP, a number of KIDS. He has his arm around RONNIE, a yellow dinosaur with a thin moustache who wears a floppy BERET.

BARNEY: Hi everyone, I want you to meet my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Ronnie. Ronnie’s a Connoissaur!
KIDS: Hi Ronnie!
BARNEY: Does anyone know what a Connoissaur is?
KIDS: Noooo.
BARNEY: A Connoissaur is a dinosaur who’s an expert on everything!
RONNIE: Well, a Connoissaur is usually an expert on just one thing. Like wine or fine art. But I am actually an expert on everything.
BABY BOP: My great uncle was part Connoissaur.
RONNIE: You can’t be part Connoissaur. Your uncle was probably just an Afficionadus Rex. Those are dinosaurs who really like something, but aren’t quite experts. (Read more…)

Stego’s First Day at Improv Class, Part I

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The Time Capsule

“Thank you all for gathering today,” said Bronson, the poor but wizened Brontosaurus. “I think it’s very important that we put together this time capsule so that future scientists can see what our lives were like.”

“I think that’s a great idea,” Trixie the Triceratops piped up, “but what do we put inside of it?”

“Whatever each of us can spare.”

David the Punosaurus pulled out a beautiful polished stone comb. “I’ll put this in. It’s a family hair-loom!”

All the dinosaurs groaned, creating a deafening roar that set off an avalanche several miles away. Bronson looked at the brush. “That’s nice of you David, but I think your comb may be a bit primitive. I was thinking something more like Dippy’s flying car.” (Read more…)

 
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